


SpiderBiters

by lotenots



Series: Ladies of the Ring [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Androgynous Characer, Durin Brothers are musicians, F/M, Legolas and Gimli are adorbs, M/M, Other, Roller Derby, Slow Build Relationships, Swearing, The Power of Female Friendship!, established relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 11:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotenots/pseuds/lotenots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lord of the Rings falls into a Roller Derby AU. </p>
<p>Tauriel is a no-nonsense cop being coerced into joining the local Roller Derby team by her coworker and friend Eowyn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SpiderBiters

**Author's Note:**

> A few things.   
> I haven't written fic in about a decade, and I haven't seen or read LotR in nearly 6. I'm working on my research.
> 
> This fic is the beginning of a series based off of the beautiful art by tumblr user felixandria - http://felixandria.tumblr.com/post/75029231531/this-is-it-my-masterpiece-this-is-the-best
> 
> Also, I totally am of the headcanon presented by emilianadarling about awkward Tauriel.  
> http://emilianadarling.tumblr.com/post/74398934509/tauriels-awkward-facial-expressions-during-the
> 
> Anyhow. Hope you enjoy, I have a few more one-shots planned out. Please read, review, comment and criticize! 
> 
> Also, Bilbo is fully androgynous in this fic and I'm using new Spivak pronouns for that character. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd, just a warning.

“Tauriel!”

Tauriel groaned and slumped against her locker. She was tired, it had been a long and unbearably unproductive day, and Eowyn was far too cheery for end of shift. Turning, she scowled down at her blond friend, trying to make her six foot tall frame look as intimidating as possible. “If this is about anything other than going out for a beer I will not speak to you for a week.”

“One, you can’t do that, because then who will be able to tell me what I’m to be inspecting, oh glorious commander? And two” Eowyn grinned savagely, brandishing a crumpled flyer in Tauriels face, “The league is having tryouts tomorrow. And you are going to come.” Tauriel glanced at the flyer. Three girls, clad in roller skates, full padding and bootie shorts, elbowed each other front and center, with the words “Ladies of the Ring Tryouts! This Saturday at 4! Do You Have What It Takes?” emblazoned behind them. Tauriel knew that if she squinted she could make out the face of the skater with the star on her helmet, crouched low, and that it would match the madly grinning woman holding the flyer. Ever since Eowyn had joined the Wheel Maidens two years before, these types of flyers had started popping up around the precinct, along with Eowyn’s constant urging for Tauriel to join. She had even managed to get Legolas roller derby obsessed, within a year he had become the coach of the Spider Bites, and the pressure on Tauriel to join had increased twofold. It felt like a cult.

“I am not. I told you, I haven’t skated in years. I don’t have time to join a derby team.” Her phone chimed. Tauriel turned back to her locker, rooting around for her jeans, ignoring the flyer still much too close to her head. She batted one hand at it tiredly, pulling the band out of her tight bun and letting her long fall of red hair down with a sigh of relief with the other. She ruffled the hair band kink out and unlocked her phone.

_from -Leggy- *Hey scowly. You’re coming to tryouts tomorrow. Also, beers at Noble Oak in 30. Be here*_

Eowyn peered over her shoulder, and gave a much too smug noise for Tauriel’s liking, “You totally have time. I work and take care of Uncle and skate. All you do is work yourself to the bone, have a few drinks and then go home to your cold and consistently lonely bed. Besides, Arwen joined up on the last round of tryouts and I know you two and Leggy used to skate dance together. And I need a Derby Wife.”

She shoved the poster into Tauriel’s locker, and opened up her own, undoing her blue buttondown. Tauriel scowled, first at her phone, then her friend and then finally into her locker. Placing the phone inside, she rounded on her very dear friend, brandishing her jeans in one hand.

“We skated together when we were children! And I thought you didn’t even like Arwen because of that whole Aragorn thing! And I do things! I work! I closed that Attercop case last month, I am top in this division. And stop getting Legolas to gang up on me. And my bed is not that lonely! And” Tauriel stopped.

She was standing in the middle of the womens locker room, wearing her work shirt and badge and no pants, threateningly holding jeans in front of one of her closests friends face. She didn’t work that much right? She was just dedicated and wanted to make sure the city was safe. And yeah, she didn’t really go out much, except with Legolas and Eowyn. And maybe she’d been sleeping alone for a year or five, but...

Tauriel sagged. Eowyn was looking at her like she had gone mad, and it kind of felt like she had. Fortunately the locker room was empty but for the two of them. Turning back to the locker, she grabbed her phone out.

_to -Leggy- *Fine. You’re buying for the next week. *_ Tauriel tapped the message out and turned the phone screen to show Eowyn. “Happy?” She tossed the phone back into her locker and tugged on her jeans. “Can we go now?”

Eowyn smirked with obviously ill-concealed glee. She opened her mouth, looked at the resigned fury on Tauriel’s face and her smile softened. “Tau, I didn’t mean to hit a sore spot. We love you, we care about you. You’re just so focused on making commissioner before thirty that you stopped, y’know, enjoying life.” She held up a hand before Tauriel could respond. “Don’t. I know you want to make this city better, but you can’t be Batman. You need your friends and you need to actually get out of the house. Now we are going to go get a drink at Noble Oak. We are going to watch a band and have a good evening. And tomorrow, you can see if you can still skate.“

She turned back to her locker, stripping out of her work shirt, and pulling on a faded Wheel Maidens tank. Tauriel sank down on the locker room bench, fiddling with her boots. They finished changing in quiet companionship, until Tauriel’s phone chimed yet again.

_from -Leggy- *Where the hell are you. Gimi is here and his cousins or something are back in town and they are playing the show and I misssssssss you. Tell Eowyn to hurry up.*_

Eowyn took one look at the message and exclaimed in exasperation. “How does he always know I’m the one running late!”

\----------------------------------

“Oh Mahal stop flirting with the bartender and come help.” Fili turned guiltily away from the slim, dark haired blond woman behind the bar to look at his younger brother. Kili grinned at him and gave the woman a wink, “So sorry m’lady, I’m going to have to drag this sorry excuse of a lead singer off to actually help unload equipment.”

Walking off Fili almost growled at Kili. “I play lead guitar, oh glorious and exalted drummer. And you might remember that I write the songs too.” He glanced at the girl behind the bar. She was exceptionally pretty, blue eyes and only an inch or two taller than his meager 5’ 5”. She was smirking behind her hand at them, raising an eyebrow as Kili sputtered at his brother.

“Oi! You only write the songs that Bilbo doesn’t. Which speaking of, Bilbo is one the carrying all the equipment, along with The Gaffer, so maybe come along?”

Fili gave the woman one last smile before following his brother down the back hallway of the Noble Oak. They’d only just gotten back into town of what was supposed to have been him and Bilbo scouting new locations for the families contracting company. It accidentally turned into a bit of a tour for their band when Kili got wind of the proposed trip, his reckless little brother never wanting to be too far away from him. That and since Kili didn’t work for uncle, but instead had become a freelance drum teacher, he could drop his work to run off for three months and promptly had. They had stopped back into town to drop off the findings so far, and had another month of scouting after this show.

Bilbo was walking up the hallway, eirs tiny frame almost buried underneath the various pieces of equipment. Kili bounded up towards the archivist-slash-keyboardist and snagged a few drums and Fili’s guitar, “Be warned! Little lion man has set his eyes on the bartender, you’ll probably have to just not even give him a mic.” Bilbo smiled up at Kili, but then, ey had to smile up at nearly anyone as ey barely reached five foot, “Seeing as how your brother has had nothing to look at other than building locations and your scruffy mug you must color me unsurprised.” Bilbo remarked dryly.

Kili raised a sturdy hand to his brow and half collapsed on his brother, “Oh Bilbo Boggins! Thou-est wound me with thy foul words!” He laughed as Fili grumbled and shoved him, and then pushed Fili towards the door. “Now hurry up and we might actually be able to grab a pint with Gimli before we go on stage. Is he still dating Tall, Blond and Prissy?”

Fili turned and grinned, “Probably. Leggy Lass? Obnoxious and opinionated? Has a tendency to look constipated?”

Bilbo turned towards the stage. “His name is Legolas and you both know it.”

\----------------------------------

Tall, blond and prissy may have been Kili’s nickname for Legolas, but it was only somewhat accurate. Of course, he was also impeccably tailored, handsome and had a bit more money than he knew what to do with. And he had an adorable, short, stout, bearded, ginger boyfriend who he currently was nearly curled around on the banquette. Gimli was surrounded by a halo of blond hair as he leaned back, a beer in one hand, the other wrapped around Legolas’ slim waist.

Legolas, while happily pressed around his boyfriend, was glancing at his phone in irritation. “Where are they? God. Women take forever.” Gimli looked up at his face, “You know you take longer to get ready in the morning than Tauriel. They’re probably on their way here from the station right now. Besides, you got Tau to agree to come to tryouts tomorrow, isn’t that enough to buy them a few minutes grace?” Legolas’ face went from grim to gleeful in a split second, a cackle slipping out between his lips.

“She is totally going to be a SpiderBiter. I just know it. I mean, if she skates at all like she used too she would make an excellent blocker-” He cut off as the bartender delivered him a second appletini, “Thank you Sigrid darling. And I think Tau might be able to make a good pivot as well!” Gimli rolled his eyes and pulled Legolas a little more flush to his side. He catered to his blond babe’s roller derby obsession to a point, but tended to zone out on the particulars. It was just girls in shorts, on wheels hitting each other to him. Legolas smirked down at him, “You don’t appreciate the finer points of my sport, and I am heartily offended.” He leaned down for a kiss.

The Noble Oak was a bit of a dive bar, to be honest. Narrow and long, with a bar along one side, tables on the other, and a small stage and dance floor in the back, it was made almost entirely of wood paneling. There was an overabundance of very dusty taxidermy mounted on the walls, along with a wildly uncurated collection of art and curiosities. Anything from a shelf of books, comic book figurines, tin signs, strange paintings, and a large collection of weaponry, including a small sword that would sometimes glow blue. No one really knew why.

Eowyn and Tauriel walked in the fairly crowded bar and scanned the banquette for the previously mentioned tall, blond and leggy Legolas. They could see a band finishing setting up on the stage in the back, and the hint of a well made italian loafer around the corner of the bar. Tauriel glanced at Eowyn, “He’s in the corner booth. How much of a makeout session do you think we’ll interrupt if we sneak?” Eowyn grinned in response, and they smoothly glided through the crowd of people to the booth, rounded on it with a quiet battlecry. Gimli tried to jerk out of Legolas’ grasp with a start, but the blond pulled him back in, finished the kiss and unfurled a manicured middle finger at the two women.

“If you two heathens are quite done,” he drawled at the two women “would you get me a refill?” Tauriel smacked him on the head from across the table, hoisted her bag onto the seat next to him and walked off toward the bar, “I’m assuming you’re still drinking something that doesn’t taste like booze at all?” she called behind her with a smirk. Legolas fake fumed at her and then turned to Eowyn, “So, how’s your cross training going?”

\----------------------------------

Kili settled behind his kit on the stage. He could already tell that under these lights and with the planned set they had, that even his beater might be too hot, he’d already stripped off his overshirt. He looked over at the rest of the band, his brother was studiously ignoring the pretty bartender, calling out checks to the sound guy. Bilbo was idly tapping out some melodies on eys keyboard. The Gaffer stood awkwardly fiddling with his bass, he was a temporary bassist and didn’t seem quite like the right fit. But he was Bilbo’s friend, and would keep an eye on little Frodo when Bilbo was out of town, and was a generally good chap. Kili turned his eye on the crowd. They seemed lively, people migrating toward the dancefloor as they warmed up. He couldn’t see Gimli though.

He straightened up as Fili took the mic, “Who’s having a good night!” The crowd was surprisingly loud in their response. “All right. We are The Company! Let’s have some rock music!” Kili rolled his eyes and The Company launched into their set. He kept glancing through the crowd, finally catching a glimpse of blond hair, and right beside it a red beard. Kili grinned, and then his sticks stuttered when he caught a glimpse of the tall redhead woman draped in the chair next to Legolas.

Eowyn turned in her chair as the music started, and looked at Gimli. “So these guys are your cousins?” “Sort of. Just the singer and the drummer. We’ve got a bit of a convoluted family tree, we know we’re related, and their uncle and my father have worked together since we were kids, so it’s just been easier to call ourselves cousins.”

Eowyn looked at the two he’d pointed out, “They’re pretty cute, a bit short though.” Gimli puffed up suddenly, “It’s a bit of a family curse! We’re all a bit vertically challenged and all the better for it!” Legolas immediately turned at the sound of Gimli’s indignance and glared at Eowyn, “Babe you are the best for it.” And went in for another kiss.

Tauriel turned away from the two lovebirds and looked at the band Eowyn was still appraising. The singer/guitarist was a sturdy young man with a mane of thick gold hair, impeccable moustache and blue eyes. The keyboardist was a solid and tiny presence behind the keyboard with curly hair they were constantly flipping out of their eyes. The bassist was stout and short and fairly unremarkable.

And the drummer had strong biceps covered in dark geometric tattoos, thick dark hair to his shoulders, scruff and dark brown eyes. That happened to be looking right at her. Tauriel flushed to the tips of her ears and snapped back towards the table, upending her entire beer across it.


End file.
